(no subject)
I don’t even know what thinking is anymore. Lately, I’ve been too busy focusing on external situations than on myself, which results to me stressing out about my own emotions and thoughts. I don’t like it. But I guess I’m going to pound it out here.
Upset too many times in the last few weeks over J being Portugal, work overload, housing searches, and an upsetting conversation with D last night. Also, today was not a good day to deal with everything because I stayed up late (as in, midnight) with that last situation. Today I made a terrible mistake and had someone I love confirm my idioticy. (Yes, I’m making that a word.) And apparently I’m acting like a child. GREAT. Makes me feel a lot better about myself and my “smart” decisions today. Exactly what I needed. (/End long string of sarcasm.) Maybe I didn’t get to relax a little today because I didn’t go for a run this morning.
FUCK. Now I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m apathetic. I want to be emotionless, even for an hour. I’m usually not this stressed. I can usually deal with multiple things a once. Maybe because school-mode Life is different from life Life. But, yes. I haven’t cried this often within 2 weeks in so long, I’m starting to think I’m reverting back to 16-year-old-mode. And I don’t like it. It’s gotten so bad that I’m BLOGGING about it right now. But I don’t know where else to vent.
I’m getting ridiculous, and for once in a long while, I wish I was an emotionless robot.
I am NOT afraid of dying. It’s some of the things in Living Mode that scares me.
I would say that I’d rather deal with dying than deal with everything else right now, but that would be too emo. However, that is how I feel–dying isn’t an issue. It’s everything else happening right now that is the problem.
Oh, shut up.
